Remorse

To my dear, faithful and dependable, right Big Toe,

You and I have always gotten along. You’ve kept me walking a straight path through life. You’ve pushed me forward towards my goals and you’ve lifted me up when I wanted to reach greater heights (like the top shelf in the kitchen). You keep me balanced. You’ve always supported me. I don’t think I’ve ever truly appreciated how much I need you.

I understand now how much I’ve taken you for granted. I’ve had pedicures from time to time, but I know it’s not enough to show you that I care. And I know… I know that I have been hard on you in the past – that even now I push you and push you, beyond reasonable limits. But I need you, I need you Big Toe!

You have to stop hurting me like this! Every night I ache from the pain you cause me! Each morning I awake to feel you stiff and cold, resentful of one more new day we have to spend together, trudging through life. And though I lovingly tend to you, the balms and salves are no match for what I truly fear.

I fear you may be broken. Perhaps, at this point, beyond repair. Each day I curse myself for my stupidity and cowardice, for not facing my fears and fighting to do what’s best for you (I’m too scared to get on a phone and make an appointment with a radiologist because my French is terrible. Also, I can’t be bothered). So instead, I ignore the pain, the hurt, the festering resentment, and I pretend that everything is fine. Pretend that we’re fine. But we’re not are we? We’re not!

I’ve learned that love means taking care of those that care for you, and I know you care for me Big Toe, I know you do! And I know that without me you would be without purpose. We need each other, Big Toe. And please believe that I am here for you now! Because in the end, if I cannot support you, then you cannot support me.

I love you Big Toe! Please stop hurting.

Love,
Julie