Prose Woes

Hark! Verily I swore in class this day.
Ironically, ’tis all the great Bard’s fault.
For in the drama lesson on Shakespeare,
Before my beauteous students, not yet 12,
Did in my explanation of the prose,
Produce a faux pas worthy of this tale.

Though bawdy master be he through and through,
Of language truly craven and most foul,
‘Tis of his wondrous prose and sacred air
Grants him our worship and abiding love.
Thereby, the scholar urges forth the new,
Disciples to the alter of his canon,
Who sip the sweet elixir offered forth,
The colloquy of angels in their heav’n.

Wherefore then, scholar, dost thou sully thus,
The purity of innocence made flesh,
Poured from thy lips the putrid metaphor,
Unholy syllable starting with “s”?
Upon the stage, thou pranced with with cockerel’s charm,
Demands for all eyes focused on thy presence,
To cherubs’ prospect, venom thou spilled forth:
“‘Cry havoc and let slip the dogs of war,’
Is basic’ly ‘We’re gonna mess shit up.'”

Clapping thy hand to thy offending mouth,
Shame rushed to cheeks as frothed and boiling blood.
Youths’ damnation eagerly awoke,
“The ‘s’ word she did say!” with unmasked glee.
Ignominy heralds forth iPads,
To capture pedagogical disgrace.
Promises to gossip far and wide,
will not be quelled or hindered in their pace.

Brought low, oh scholar, wilt thou be reborn,
To dizzy heights, authority unmaimed?


7 thoughts on “Prose Woes

  1. “‘Cry havoc and let slip the dogs of war,’
    Is basic’ly ‘We’re gonna mess shit up.’”
    I mean, you’re not wrong…
    My very worldly 15-year-olds barely flinch when a teacher curses. I love the Shakespearean language here. That’s a lot of work – and the whole thing is pretty d*#% funny if you ask me. Here’s hoping that their parents agree. (Also, there are so many lines I love in here that I can hardly resist commenting on more – like these: Ignominy heralds forth iPads,/ To capture pedagogical disgrace. – who would’ve thunk that Shakespeare and iPads would one day go together? So great.)

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Well, they were 5th graders, so they were a little easier to shock. I also hope their parents aren’t too concerned about it – hopefully “She was explaining Shakespeare to us!” will make it go down easier. This was a lot of fun to write, and it made me remember that one of the easiest ways to try your hand at a new genre is to copy the style of a master of that genre. So if modern poetry or fiction is intimidating, then I should try imitating the style of some of my favourite authors.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I love this post! The language, the iambic pentameter… this must have been a lot of work but a lot of fun to write! It is a great parody! And I’m sure your kids will recover… and as for the parents, I think most of them are in awe we don’t say bad words more often than we do! Great post!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. A difference between fifth and eighth graders is that you wonder how many parents will hear about the “faux pas.” Were they just a couple of years older, they would’ve grinned and kept mum about the moment when teacher facade slipped and they were privy to it (the sweet spot between yours and those craven 15-year-olds mentioned in another comment).

    Liked by 1 person

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